“Notice how everything around us is so still.”
“And what if it is,” I retaliated almost threatened by the prospect of being attacked by somebody lurking in the background waiting to take me by surprise. “I understand this was supposed to be about solving my problems, not that I’m thrilled about any of it but I suppose it’s necessary.”
“Would you like them to be solved?”
“No, I don’t know; I guess if you can -” The idea of being in therapy was in itself something I was having trouble dealing with and now that somebody was looking at me with the satisfaction of being certified as a keeper of my innermost thoughts made me even more uncomfortable.
“Alright, how about you tell me about your relationship with your parents – let’s start there.”
I wondered if there is a manual that guides them through a step by step method on how to proceed unraveling the human mind. I wondered about the name of the manual, if it did exist and about the name of the author. “Can we start somewhere else? I want to leave my parents out of this.” I found my hand scratching my cheeks producing a sound familiar to those who forget to shave to work on a meeting day.
“The reason you’re here is so that you can talk about the things that you normally leave out.”
“Maybe I’ll tell you about how someone I know referred to a place as being infested with Muslims.”
“I am sorry?”
“It’s true; you’d be amazed how unbelievably ignorant some people can be. It makes you wish you had never met them at all or alternatively they were run over by a heavy automobile.” I forced a smile as a courtesy to the sarcasm. “Also” – I continued, “It’s funny how people drag animal body parts into the English language like Bull’s eye or Bull shit or the bull by its horn. Right! I mean” –
“You’re not taking this seriously at all.”
“No, I am, really. It’s just I don’t know if I’ll ever be alright. If things will ever be like I want them to be or if one day I’ll just get up and be alive. The best part of my day is undoubtedly the auto ride from park circus to Tagore Park; truly, it’s amazing how I just watch life being life and everybody doing what they inevitably should be doing. And yesterday it rained which was fantastic because normally this place this boiling hot and there is nothing more refreshing than rain. So, with all due respect and I mean this sincerely, I don’t think you can ever solve anything like the rain can.”
There was a silence that followed which gave me the impression that I had gone entirely misunderstood. I let it trail until at least one of us felt irritated by it.
“Well, I am going to ask to you to come again next week, we’ll see if you’re feeling like sharing then because it’s important that you share. Okay?”
There are only about a handful of really good reasons for having a therapist in your mind. It’s the bad ones I’m worried about.